A letter to my daughter on her first birthday!

DEAR SWEET BABY GIRL,

Today, you turn ONE! I can’t hardly believe it. 

I remember the day I found out we were expecting you like it was yesterday. I was planning on telling your daddy in an elaborate and creative way, I couldn’t stop smiling. I called your Aunt Brandy right away and told her! I couldn't keep that secret very long! I could barely hold it together! When I told your daddy I wrapped up the positive test in a present with a note. He read it twice before tears filled his eyes and he understood what it meant – that we were expecting a baby... that we were expecting you. 

The next nine months were filled with a lot of emotions. I was nervous too be a mommy, but mostly anxious to meet you! When we found out you were a girl - the shopping was on! Of course I had to do a gender reveal party with friends and family - that was another secret that was extremely hard to keep - but of course your Aunt Brandy knew! 

Though I spent nine months preparing for your arrival - finishing your nursery, packing our hospital bags, and researching everything newborn & new mommy related. But I knew nothing could really prepare me for your arrival! 

When the doctors placed you in my arms I was overwhelmed with love for you. You were my perfect little angel. I became a mommy and you became my daughter! 

I think about you everyday. This has def been one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to do, but I know your watching down on us! Keeping our little family safe. I wish you could meet your little sister. She looks just like you. I know you girls would of been the best of friends. Just like me and your Aunt Brandy!! 

For your birthday we had a small get together with some of your favorite people. We wrote notes on balloons and sent them off so you could read them. We ate cupcakes and wished you happy birthday! We love you so much and miss you like crazy' I can't wait to the day I can hold you again! 

Mommy, daddy and Charleston Love you!! Happy Birthday baby girl!! 

Happy Birthday Payton!

I have a heavy heart today as the nation remembers the fallen from 9/11, my family and I are also thinking about my baby girl! This time last year I was sitting in the hospital getting induced bc we found out Payton had no heart beat! I still remember Dr. Fisher sitting in silence fighting back her tears as she told us. 

As I sat in the hospital watching my family and closest friends express their emotions, all I could do was hold mine back. I didn't know how to express mine. I don't know how to handle my own emotions let alone everyone else's! 

As Payton's birthday approaches us, I'm struggling with my emotions again! Not as if they ever went away. I'm not sure why people say time heals all wounds, bc it does not. I came across this quote: "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Which fits perfectly! The pain has lessen over time, but the heartbreak and emotions are still there. When you tear off that scab, everything comes rushing back as if it happened yesterday! 

Having Charleston to hold close at this time makes you realize how precious life truly is. But I can't help but hate that Charleston will never know her big sister. We will never see her smile or hear her laugh, or watch her grow up... 

Tomorrow we celebrate Payton's first birthday and we have decided to celebrate it with our family! I want to do something every year weather we do it as just our little family or with our bigger family and friends. I just want to keep her memory alive and make sure her birthday is special. 

Letters to Charleston - 1 month old

Dear Charleston, 

Today you are ONE month old! I can’t believe it - it has been the fastest month of my life. You came into this world and changed it for the better. 

Your sweet nature is a joy to be around and since day one, you have been a relaxed, happy-go-lucky baby. You only cry if you’re starving or you need your diaper changed. Except for 

a slight case of jaundice your first week, you have been perfectly healthy! 

For the first 3 weeks of your life, you slept a lot and woke up only to eat and then went right back to a peaceful slumber. In the past week you’ve spent much more time with your eyes open, taking in your new world. Nothing phases you: from your dog Hera giving you slobbery kisses to me running the sweeper. 

When you were born, We were surprised by the amount of thick, dark hair you had. The ultrasound tech told us at every visit you had hair, but we never imagined this much. Your sister Payton had hair, but no where close to the amount you have. 

Your first cries were music to your Dad’s & my ears. You def have a set of lungs on you. When they placed you in my arms it was love at first sight. I never wanted to put you down, but I had to share you with the rest of the family who was eager to meet you! You have stolen the hearts of many and you have two cousins who are already wrapped around your fingers. From day one they have taken you under their wing, smothering you in kisses and always checking in on you. It warms my heart to know you 3 will have each other for the rest of your lives.

Thank you for being a dream baby. Your first month has been wonderful. I can’t wait for us to do so many fun mother/daughter things in the future, but I wish I could push the slow down button on life right now. You are growing up too fast…

I’ll love you always,
Mommy

Second Pregnancy - Third Trimester Reflections

As we get down to the "business" end of this pregnancy,
I figured I would take a step back and reflect
on the third trimester.

(p.s. this was written over a few weeks time)

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We knew from day 1 we would be inducing this pregnancy for health reasons. Dr. Fisher wanted to schedule the induction before we got to the 37 weeks and 6 day mark, which Richard and I agreed with 100%.  So that put us in the week of August 8th-15th. July has been a waiting game to get the hospital schedule of when we could narrow a date down, and on July 14th - we got that date! August 10th at 7 am. Now that we have a count down clock to watch, things have gotten more real, including my emotions.

We.. OK.. maybe me.. wanted kids back to back. I mean im not getting any younger. So even with everything that happened with Payton, we still wanted to jump on the bandwagon again. After our 6 week appointment we started trying again. It took me about 2 cycles - which felt like a life time. But when I finally saw those two lines, I felt immense relief. But that was soon replaced with the realization that I would spend the next nine months holding my breath. One of the greatest comforts to me over the last months was learning how many other women felt the same fear that I do and yet survived subsequent pregnancies. 

As the date gets closer to August 10th, it also means Paytons first birthday is approaching. My emotions are all over the place.We are about to bring our second daughter into the world and I don't know how to be excited. Friends and family keep asking me, are you excited, are you ready... I am, don't get me wrong I'm ecstatic, but I can't help feeling devastated and sad at the same time. I still remember looking at the glowing screen trying to make sense of the sonogram... there was no movement or heartbeat. I couldn't cry... I just sat in silence. As much I try not to think back on that day, its hard not too.

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In some ways, this pregnancy has flown by. In other ways - I feel as if we have been on this pregnancy roller coaster for way too long. If I'm to be honest, this pregnancy was not as easy as the first one. Physically, it was harder, which meant mentally it felt worse. My first trimester was the long waiting in between doctors appointments, then patiently waiting to hear her heart beat.  The second trimester was getting through the dizzy/nauseated spells. But this third trimester the stress has built up and made it self known through more complications and less sleep.

At 27 weeks and 6 days we went into the doctors office because her movements had slowed down tremendously. Normally I don't feel her in the mornings till about 10-11ish because she's so active through the night, but she was not the night before. When we got in the doctors office they put me on the NST monitors.

(The Fetal Non-Stress test is a simple, non-invasive test performed in pregnancies over 28 weeks gestation. The test is names "non-stress" because no stress is placed on the fetus during the test. The non-stress test is a simple, noninvasive way of checking on your baby's health. The test records your baby's movement, heartbeat, and contractions. It notes changes in heart rhythm when your baby goes from resting to moving, or during contractions if you're in labor.)

I sat on the monitors for about 30 minuets while they checked over all the recordings. She stayed pretty active during the test and everything was reading on track. Which was a relief!

With in 4 days we were in the hospital because I was having a sharp pain on my left side. Dr. Dillon - the high risk doctor was on call so she helped us out and took good care of me. We got checked into the hospital about 6:30 pm and she put us on the NST monitors. She stated the sharp pain is very common in pregnancies and gets worse with each one. Its called a round ligament pain. Not something thats very comfortable I might add. But she knew everything that happened with Payton and wanted to keep me on the monitors for a little while. During this time she discovered I was having contractions. I was like really? I just thought it was pressure and the difference in the way I was carrying her compared to Payton. Or maybe braxton hicks. But that wasn't the case. With in an hour she decided we were gonna stay over night - because the contractions were not stopping and were pretty steady. She ran a bunch of test and even gave me some medicine to relax me to see if that would stop the contractions. About 2am she could not determine what was causing the contractions, but was able to determine I was not in preterm labor. Since there was nothing else she could do, she sent us home about 3am and told me to take things easy and look out for labor symptoms.

At 30 weeks we spent a week in Florida - we took my 1 year old and my 6 year old nephews to Disney World! Everyone had fun which was great, but the heat was ridiculous. I know Richard got his exercise for the week... he pushed me in a wheel chair through out the parks. I got up and walked around some, but it made the contractions more frequent. I made it back to Charleston - with no signs of early labor! woohoo!! lol.

Contractions never stopped. Around 33 weeks they got longer and more intense. At times, I was not sure she's was going stay put till we induced. She is def a wiggler and a shaker. I got more nauseated as well. Sometimes it was hard to determine which was making the other one worse - being nauseated or the contractions.

I don't believe I was blessed with the pregnancy glow this time around.. its more like a "I'm so tired and hungry" shimmer....

Similar to my last pregnancy - things in the "bump" department seem to have slowed down in the third trimester. Charleston is still growing beautifully, however we are predicting her to be similar size to Payton. She is a little bigger, but not by much. My weight gain was more this pregnancy, but shes had a bigger appetite then Payton did. Payton liked fruit, veggies and sugar! Charleston likes her hamburgers and sugar. I am sad she does not like seafood. Its the one thing I craved with Payton, and it still seems to be the one thing I crave with Charleston, I just cant handle the taste! 

As my third trimester is ending - contractions have gotten stronger. Some days they are close enough to track them, but not enough to rush to the hospital. My driving days ended about 34 weeks - I couldn't count on not having an intense contractions, so I decided I probably shouldn't be driving....

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At 33 weeks and 6 days we did our Maternity photos with the Fabulous Kaity! Since we did maternity photos at the beach for Payton - we want to do a park or something this time around. Since we decided on the name Charleston, we decided on downtown Charleston! :) Here are a few of my favorites......

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At my 36 week appointment I was 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced! Baby Charleston can come at anytime! Dr. Fisher said look out for my water breaking or contractions being 5 mins apart for an hour or so. The days following my appointment, my contractions def got closer and stronger really fast! During our ultra sound Miss Charleston was super active, but we got a few good pictures of her! I mean look at those CHEEKS!!! I'm pretty sure she gets those from me! They estimated her to be about 6 lbs and 1 oz. So she's def bigger then Payton! Lets hope she doesn't get much bigger then that by next week! lol. 

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So today is my last day of being pregnant! I'm not sure what my emotions are because I'm to exhausted to even think about them! Surprisingly im not really nervous or scared about tomorrow. I know my feelings about the delivery day have been a little different through out my pregnancy - but now that its here, I think im ok! I mean i'm nervous - but who wouldn't be pushing a baby out! lol. 

Richard and I have decided to keep things as simple as possible tomorrow! We have to be at the hospital at 6:45 am. We have told family not to be at the hospital no earlier then 9 am. We have also told all our family and friends that we only want intermediate family at the hospital tomorrow, but everyone else is welcome to come see us on Tuesday. We just want tomorrow to be as simple as we can make it, and no stress for anyone. We will see how that goes! I at least will have my sister their to put anyone in their place if need be! lol. She gets me like that! :) 

So ready to meet this bundle of joy we have been so patiently waiting for! 

Second Trimester

Good Bye Second Trimester

It seems like yesterday I was just talking about my first trimester. But if you've been following my pregnancy journey you know that this baby is growing and I am making my way through these trimesters.

The good news is the second trimester is over. Lol. As I get into my third trimester things have continued to grow and change as the weeks tick by. Other than feeling enormous, things are pretty normal now. I don't know why I feel so much bigger this time around, even though I know I'm right on track. I've found the physical growth and changes of pregnancy to be tougher this time around. 

I think im carrying a little lower this time, which is def more uncomfortable. I've been in maternity clothes pretty much the whole pregnancy. I feel more pressure and cramping especially on my little work outs and walks around the neighborhood. My pain levels are def higher this time around, so taking it easy has been my biggest project. 

She is always kicking and doing summer salts like a maniac, and I am distracted by it all day long. My hands are always on my belly, pushing back and saying hello as she pokes out a hand or foot. It's fun to connect with her. I think she will be a ball of energy just like her cousins. 

20 weeks & 6 days

My stress levels are starting to kick in as I get closer to the third trimester. Our next doctor appointment we will be discussing how we are going to handle the third trimester as well as narrowing a date down on when to induce. We want to make sure its safe for both of us, as well as she is healthy and fully developed. I was 37 weeks & 6 days when Payton passed and exactly 38 weeks when I delivered her. Dr. Fisher wants to deliver Baby C before we get to that point, not only for medical reason but also stress levels in me, Richard & her. My due date is August 29th, so that puts us delivering somewhere between August 8th & 15th. Our next doctors appointment is July 11th where we will have another ultra sound to make sure she is growing on track and we will also talk to Dr. Dillon which is the high risk OB. So between Dr. Fisher & Dr. Dillon we are in very good hands and they plan to do everything possible for us. So for me.. they only thing I need to do is keep my stress levels down! I'm not really sure how to do that..

Baby C needs a name....

Its been revealed.. baby c #2 is a GIRL!!!!

From the moment I got pregnant, especially if it was another girl....I wanted the same initials as Payton. So of course I threw the name Paisley back in the name bag. Richard shot that down the first go around - lets see how it goes this time! I also chose Parker. I know its a common boy name, but I absolutely love it as a girl's name! Its different. I've also looked outside of the "P" names, bc lets face it - their is not a huge selection. For a while now I have liked the name "Charleston." I must of had a dream about it - bc I woke up one more and was like.. OMG! I LOVE IT! lol. And of course we can always call her "Charley" for short. Its not only different in unique, its where we live. We were started this family. Where Payton is.  

Since we are having trouble deciding on which name, I put a poll together for everyone to vote on their favorite name. The middle name will be Bjana, no matter which name we chose. Just follow the link below! 

Vote on Baby C's Name...

BOY OR GIRL? THE GENDER IS REVEALED …

Ready to watch me act like a lunatic? I don’t think I have been this excited in long time....

Richard and I weren't really expecting to find out the gender until April 16th, but were super stoked our nurse Tammy was able to sneak us in for a quick ultra sound while waiting for Dr. Fisher. I'm nervous going to the Doctor as it, and during our ultra sound it truly was quick. She literally turned it on - and like 2 mins later it was off. Im not sure how she saw anything. We had her write it down on a piece of paper so we could find out with everyone else. Richard was not very happy about it! :P

Of course we were all SUPER excited! I promise Richard was for the most part! I think he was a little disappointed at first.. Now we just have to decide on a name...

oh she glows... the first trimester!

I'm sitting here writing this and im currently at the end of my first trimester suddenly thinking, December 20th seems forever ago. That was the day I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.

Ever since I was in high school I wanted kids. At least 2. 1 boy and 1 girl... but isn't that every little girls dream? I had my plan perfectly laid out - 2 kids before I was 25. Perfect right? Not so much.... But now that I look back on it, I'm glad I was 30 before I got pregnant. I got to travel and enjoy my 20s. When I got pregnant with Payton, I was ECSTATIC. Scared, but super excited! But after everything that happened, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through the process again. Of course I told the world I did, who wouldn't want another kid? As time passed, I decided I really wanted another kid. But I wanted to make sure I was physically ready for another pregnancy. My 6 week visit was the end of October and Dr. Fisher said I was good to go! Of course like any other husband and wife who wants kids, we jumped on that practice train. My first ovulation cycle came around and then the news of not pregnant. I was super sad. No worries - we can try for next month. Well that cycle came and gone and still the pregnancy test were showing no. By this time I felt like we had been trying for years and I was never gonna get pregnant. Reality was it had only been 2 months and I was just getting ahead of myself...

13 weeks later and I've jumped on this pregnancy train again. Ready for another 9 month adventure, but completely nervous, scared, and worried. But super Happy! Its been an interesting 3 months. I've already seen a difference from my first pregnancy. This one I'm exhausted more and hungry all the time. I can eat a huge meal and still be starving. There are days the more I eat the hungrier I get. I never had cravings with Payton, nor did I ever know what I wanted to eat (well that part hasn't changed). I feel like I need to actually see the dish before I want to eat it.

From the start, people were asking: are you sure your not having twins? As much as I would love twins, I doubt there is 2 in their...

Getting uncomfortable sleeping already, tossing and turning. I feel bad that I'm only 10 weeks and I've already kicked Richard to the couch.

We were hoping at my 12 week appointment we would be able to find out the sex of the baby like we did with Payton. The ultrasound tech said since I wasn't quite 12 weeks she was not comfortable saying one way or the other, but she did lean more towards one way (but that is our little secret).

Well we confirmed only 1 baby! Very active, but only for a short time. It would get a burst of energy for about 5 mins. then take a short nap... kinda of the way my days go. lol. 

There a lot that goes on in your first trimester. By the end of your third month the baby is fully formed. Baby C has arms, hands, fingers, feet and toes. She (thats what I call it and Richard calls it a He...) can open it's fists and mouth. The fingernails and toenails are beginning to develope. The most crazy part is that the beginnings of teeth are starting to form... good thing they don't have teeth when they are born. lol.  At this point - Baby C is the size of a peach. Its fascinating the process it takes to growing a human. Even my 2nd time around im still amazed that im actually growing a human inside me. 

I haven't really craved a lot during my first trimester. I still like my sweets. Crazy thing is I haven't eaten BK in forever, Richard mentions it once and thats all the baby wants. I feel like I cant eat enough whoppers - even with mayo on it. I just want to puke saying it. lol. But hey if it makes the baby happy and she gets full - then I'm all for it. 

I didn't have any morning sickness either, which was great but boy did that nausea train hit me like a rock the beginning of my 13th week. It hasn't been that strong since the first night, so hopefully that train was only making a quick stop. 

I'm looking forward to my second trimester, but really hoping I get a burst of energy back.