Saturday, September 12, 2015

A letter to my daughter on her first birthday!


Today, you turn ONE! I can’t hardly believe it. 
I remember the day I found out we were expecting you like it was yesterday. I was planning on telling your daddy in an elaborate and creative way, I couldn’t stop smiling. I called your Aunt Brandy right away and told her! I couldn't keep that secret very long! I could barely hold it together! When I told your daddy I wrapped up the positive test in a present with a note. He read it twice before tears filled his eyes and he understood what it meant – that we were expecting a baby... that we were expecting you. 
The next nine months were filled with a lot of emotions. I was nervous too be a mommy, but mostly anxious to meet you! When we found out you were a girl - the shopping was on! Of course I had to do a gender reveal party with friends and family - that was another secret that was extremely hard to keep - but of course your Aunt Brandy knew! 
Though I spent nine months preparing for your arrival - finishing your nursery, packing our hospital bags, and researching everything newborn & new mommy related. But I knew nothing could really prepare me for your arrival! 
When the doctors placed you in my arms I was overwhelmed with love for you. You were my perfect little angel. I became a mommy and you became my daughter! 
I think about you everyday. This has def been one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to do, but I know your watching down on us! Keeping our little family safe. I wish you could meet your little sister. She looks just like you. I know you girls would of been the best of friends. Just like me and your Aunt Brandy!! 
For your birthday we had a small get together with some of your favorite people. We wrote notes on balloons and sent them off so you could read them. We ate cupcakes and wished you happy birthday! We love you so much and miss you like crazy' I can't wait to the day I can hold you again! 

Mommy, daddy and Charleston Love you!! Happy Birthday baby girl!! 

Friday, September 11, 2015

Happy Birthday Payton!

I have a heavy heart today as the nation remembers the fallen from 9/11, my family and I are also thinking about my baby girl! This time last year I was sitting in the hospital getting induced bc we found out Payton had no heart beat! I still remember Dr. Fisher sitting in silence fighting back her tears as she told us. 

As I sat in the hospital watching my family and closest friends express their emotions, all I could do was hold mine back. I didn't know how to express mine. I don't know how to handle my own emotions let alone everyone else's! 

As Payton's birthday approaches us, I'm struggling with my emotions again! Not as if they ever went away. I'm not sure why people say time heals all wounds, bc it does not. I came across this quote: "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Which fits perfectly! The pain has lessen over time, but the heartbreak and emotions are still there. When you tear off that scab, everything comes rushing back as if it happened yesterday! 

Having Charleston to hold close at this time makes you realize how precious life truly is. But I can't help but hate that Charleston will never know her big sister. We will never see her smile or hear her laugh, or watch her grow up... 

Tomorrow we celebrate Payton's first birthday and we have decided to celebrate it with our family! I want to do something every year weather we do it as just our little family or with our bigger family and friends. I just want to keep her memory alive and make sure her birthday is special. 

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Letters to Charleston - 1 month old

Dear Charleston, 

Today you are ONE month old! I can’t believe it - it has been the fastest month of my life. You came into this world and changed it for the better. 
Your sweet nature is a joy to be around and since day one, you have been a relaxed, happy-go-lucky baby. You only cry if you’re starving or you need your diaper changed. Except for 
a slight case of jaundice your first week, you have been perfectly healthy! 

For the first 3 weeks of your life, you slept a lot and woke up only to eat and then went right back to a peaceful slumber. In the past week you’ve spent much more time with your eyes open, taking in your new world. Nothing phases you: from your dog Hera giving you slobbery kisses to me running the sweeper. 
When you were born, We were surprised by the amount of thick, dark hair you had. The ultrasound tech told us at every visit you had hair, but we never imagined this much. Your sister Payton had hair, but no where close to the amount you have. 
Your first cries were music to your Dad’s & my ears. You def have a set of lungs on you. When they placed you in my arms it was love at first sight. I never wanted to put you down, but I had to share you with the rest of the family who was eager to meet you! You have stolen the hearts of many and you have two cousins who are already wrapped around your fingers. From day one they have taken you under their wing, smothering you in kisses and always checking in on you. It warms my heart to know you 3 will have each other for the rest of your lives.
Thank you for being a dream baby. Your first month has been wonderful. I can’t wait for us to do so many fun mother/daughter things in the future, but I wish I could push the slow down button on life right now. You are growing up too fast…
I’ll love you always,