Happy Birthday Payton Bjana!!
5 years ago, my world was turned upside down and at that time, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get through it.
In the years following my daughter's funeral, I discovered, no matter how great my loss, or how deep my grief, the world does not stop. In fact, it intensifies.
I remember thinking… how can I ever be happy again? Be able to have more children and not feel guilty. I felt as though my pain was visible to others, and I would forever be wearing grief as a mask and a tagline…”I’m Bjana Carbonaro and I’ve lost my baby to stillborn.”
But for me to survive this, I had to get my feelings out. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t do well with emotions. I didn’t know how to grieve with others, especially my husband or family. My husband and I grieved separately and still to this day, that missing link plays a toll on our marriage.
Most of you followed my pregnancy journey on my blog and I knew writing is what helped me with my emotions! Every post from my blog was first written in my notes on my phone several times over before ever posted to my blog (Including this post your reading now).
I said to myself “write, just write.” It took me a while to actually get anything started or to figure out what my feelings and emotions were. I discovered my writing was my safe haven to empty the well of my sorrow, and for a little while, I could let my emotions rest.
I kept writing. Words pulled me and pushed me. As weeks went on, I’d read back over my notes. I began to see something remarkable... I’d survived another day, another week, another month; and I was growing stronger. I’d see words of hope illuminating my way.
Healing is not on a timetable. In fact, time doesn’t fix this kind of loss. Healing comes from actively pursuing life again. After awhile, you’ll look back on your words and not recognize the person you once were. You’ll see how strong you really are.
I used to believe the cliché “everything happens for a reason,” but with this kind of tragedy, it seems to be reversed. When a tragedy like this happens, it can be the starting place to give it reason and relevance. When you recognize this, it’s the moment your grieving will shift. As time went on, I was able to reach that peaceful feeling more frequently. I had the power within my notes to compartmentalize my sorrow. Once you’re aware of what it feels like, you’ll be able to access it more easily.
It’s been 5years since my beautiful daughter left this earth and sometimes tears still surprise me. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel the sadness. It means you’ll be able to have memories without attaching intense despair.
Payton was the one who made me a mom. Her death was the birth of my new life... learning how to live with her loss, and recognizing who I am because of it. I chose resilience and my writing was a big part of helping me rise up.
The loss of Payton taught me to love harder, to hold my girls closer, to hold my nephew and nieces closer and to appreciate every single day. It taught me to reach out to others and begin sharing my story in hopes it could reassure other wounded parents there is life after loss.
As the years go by, I’ve learned a mother’s love never diminishes; in fact, my love for my daughter has grown, just as it would have if she was still alive. I am still her mother and not a day goes by I don’t say I love you or think about her.
I heard someone say once the best way to honor your child is by healing! It may not always be the easiest thing, but taking one day at a time is a good start! Every year for Payton’s birthday we go to dinner followed by a cupcake celebration at her grave. We go to dinner for everyone’s birthday in the family so doing this lets the girls get involved with her birthday too. They both know who Payton is and that she is in heaven watching over us. We have never hidden anything about Payton from the girls. If you know Charleston, you know she loves questions and she has asked every question in the book her toddler mind could think of. Knowing both girls love their big sister so much has helped my healing process.
As we celebrate the life we envisioned for Payton today, I ask everyone who is still reading this to say a little pray for my family and I! Don’t be alarmed if I start crying if you say something... I can usually keep my emotions in check till someone says something. I absolutely appreciate the love and support that pours in from our friends and family on this day! We love all of you!
