Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Payton Bjana Carbonaro

This is by far is the hardest blog post I have ever written! I come back to this spot every day trying to figure out the words to say... and I come up empty! Empty because that's how I feel. I may not look like it on the outside, but Its a struggle I battle by myself! I say "myself" because I don't let others see it. I deal with my hurt and pain much better alone! I never been one to understand/handle my own emotions let alone others.

I cant promise this blog post will be written pretty or even make sense! All I ask is that you read it with in open mind and understand Payton was born still, still born!


Thursday September 11th, Richard and I got up like any other morning we had a doctors appointment! We were actually pretty excited! A little scared because we were hoping to get induced the next day - which means our lives were about to be turned upside down.

We had been ready for awhile! I was exactly 38 weeks! Technically considered full term! The nursery was finished! Diaper bags were stocked up with diapers and extra onesies. We even had the hospital bags ready - because we knew anytime in the next 2 weeks we were gonna have a baby!

We usually made our doctors appointments first thing in the morning, so we could get in and out with out waiting forever! Of course we got to the doctors and within 10 mins we were already in the room about to listen to Payton's heart beat. A nurse came it, she was new and young. Really young. She had a hard time getting the heart monitor to read, which wasn't un normal. Sometimes Payton would be in weird positions that it took a few mins for it to pick up on the monitor! But not this long! She stepped out and grabbed Tammy (Dr. Fisher's nurse), she too was unable to pick up the heart beat! At that time I start freaking out on the inside. I seriously had just read a story about this 2 weeks ago - I thought to myself there's no way this is happening to me too! Dr. Fisher came in and brought the ultra sound machine with her - she started moving the little thing around and Payton popped on the screen but no heart beat.... no movement! It was happening to me....

Dr. Fisher stopped, moved the machine over and looked Richard and I in the face and was like their is no heart beat and no movement! At that moment, everything else went blank. I see her mouth moving but I heard no words! I was in shock - I didn't know what to say, how to move, I couldn't even cry. I didn't know what this even meant. I just felt her the day before! She was moving and playing with me!

A few minuets went by and Dr. Fisher said we still have to deliver her. I already knew this but my heart sank to the ground. She said we can do this now or we can do this in a couple days. She said its very common for families to wait a few days - wait?! Why would I ever wait?? Richard and I both said no, lets do this today! Richard had already started crying and stopped by now as we walked out of the room. My face is in shock and my eyes are starting to tear up! I didn't want to see any of the other moms sitting in the waiting room - I've never walked out that office so fast! We hadn't even made it to the car yet - before Tammy comes running out balling her eyes out giving me a hug! Of course seeing other peoples emotions, mine start! We get in the car and I call both of our moms (mine has been in town since Monday)! My sister was teaching school - but I needed her. I texted her and told her to call me bc theirs no way I could tell her this over the phone. She never had a chance to call but she texted 5 mins later and I told her we lost Payton and I NEEDED HER here!!

The hospital was only 2 minuets from the doctors office - when we got their, I was no where near ready to go inside. I sat in the car in silence. I got myself together and intact as Richard helped me out of the car and we walked to the maternity ward - Everyone already knew what was going on! They already had my room ready and scooped us in their. By the time I got into my gown and on the monitors, my mom and Terri was their. With in a 3 hours my sister and our photographer Katie was their!

Yes I said photographer. We had already planned to have pictures taken of the birth, and Katie still wanted to do the birth. I wanted these pictures - I NEEDED these pictures!

By lunch time we had our parents and closest friends with us! Having Dixie by my side helped me a lot! She knew what to say... she knew what was going on - She had already gone through this. I never truly understood the things she used to tell me, sitting in that hospital bed, I knew every word - I understood every word, every feeling and it hurt me more that she went through this very same thing!

(To warn anyone who reads any further, this may go into more detail then you care to read about .... )

By lunch time they had started to induce me. I was in no shape to give birth anytime soon. I was not even close to being dilated or effaced. I knew this would be a long process. Since I was not dilated by any means they started something called Cervadil. Its used to soften the cervix. They had to do 4 doses of this through out Thursday. It wasn't till 4am on Friday morning when I was finally dilated enough they could start the Pitocin, which actually starts labor. I wasn't making any progress fast. About 2pm or so on Friday I still hadn't progressed enough - they told me they were gonna try something, and if it didn't work they would do a c section! Believe me, a c section is not something I wanted. Unless it was something I absolutely had to have. I'm not even sure what the correct term is for this process but they used this balloon thing. If it did not fall out on it own with in a few hours - off to a c section I was going. Thankfully by 4pm it fell out on its own and they could break my water! Which in no means was what I expected! You could actually feel your water break. It was weird. But I did not have a gush of water come out like you expect.

16hours later and still no baby, the nurses all said its will probably be after midnight before I had her, since I was progressing so slow. By now I'm already starving bc the last thing I ate was some popcorn Wednesday night! We tried getting the nurse to let me eat Thursday night but she kept saying no and by the time she finally asked the Dr. who said yes it was already 10:30 and everything was closed! We did find a subway, but by the time I got any food I didn't even want to look at it. It smelt so bad! lol. I spent Friday eating jello. Never again! I was peeing the rainbow! It was horrible!

The way the maternity ward works in our hospital you can only have 3 people in your room at a time, and no kids under 12 unless they are a direct sibling to they baby being born! Richard and I had already had a plan no one would be allowed in the delivery room the first 24hours after having Payton unless they were immediate family. I knew I was gonna be tired and didn't want to be over whelmed with everyone in the hospital! Even with everything going on we didn't tell the whole world. I wasn't ready for that. They hospital made an exception for us on the amount of people allowed in the room. They actually had a spare room next to us they opened up for family and our closest friends to stay in. My mom, Walt, Terri, Jim, my sister Brandy, Katie, and our closest friends - Dixie, Daysha and Fred stayed in the hospital with us the entire time. My sister even had her newborn Jonathan, which kept everyone entertained for hours. I appreciated all of them staying more then I can ever tell them! Everyone took turns hanging out in the room with us.

I cant say I really had any major labor pains. I have this one spot on my lower back where my L5 is shattered and moved forward that constantly has pain. I did spend most of Friday evening with a lot of pain in that particular spot. Richard and Dixie took turns rubbing it. I said from day 1 when I got pregnant I was not doing an epidural and I still meant it when I was sitting in the hospital. It was about 9pm when I had a lot of lower back pain, still in that one spot! I just wanted it to go away! Of course Richard had been begging me for hours to get the epidural and I kept denying it! He couldn't handle me in so much pain. The shaking freaked him out. The reality of it is, that's normal for me! If I cant control my pain I shake. I'm in that much pain on a daily basis - I just control it. During labor I was in a position I could not get my pain under control so I just vibrated! Least that's what it felt like.

About 9:15 I got up to go pee and my sister helped me and I looked at her in extreme pain and I told her, I don't think I can do this.... I'm not sure I can do this with out an epidural. I told her I didn't want it though. She looked at me and said well lets at least get a nurse in here. She pressed the on call button for the nurse to come in, but no one was at the front desk to answer it. I looked at Brandy and was like I think its time. She's coming now! Before I could even finish the sentence Brandy is already down the hall screaming for a nurse! The nurse comes in and agrees its time. She goes and finds Dr. Fisher as the lady at the front desks beeps in and says "do you guys need something?" Brandy yells at her of course!

Brandy stayed during birth, I needed her too! I also knew she could help Richard stay calm during this. Labor was rough for me bc my arms were so tired I had no strength to pull my legs and push. Some how I spent the entire time pushing my legs down as I pushed. I remember screaming but not bc of pain, bc I was pushing on my legs. And it kinda seemed natural to scream. At 9:53 Payton Bjana was born.

Dr. Fisher had told us at the appointment as soon as she was born, we hope we could understand what happened more. Dr. Fisher had spoken with us Saturday. She stated the cord had wrapped around her neck three times. She said this is actually very common and most babies live through it. She said the cord was pulled on and constricted that cut off all air supply and food. It was a complete freak accident and nothing we could of done any different. She recommend a full autopsy to make sure nothing else played into this. We spent all day Saturday with her and most of Sunday with her before we sent her to MUSC for the autopsy.

We had pictures done of her and with her. I wanted to make sure everyone who meant so much to us and stayed in the hospital also got a picture with her. During the time she spent in our room we just stared at her as she laid so peaceful in her bassinet. I couldn't send her away in the outfit we bought for her to come home in and that we had her pictures in. So I had mom go get the same outfit to bury her in so I could keep the one she wore. I still had not truly broken down at this time, and that worried my mom. But I didn't know how too and I knew this was something I needed to do alone.

This is a book I made of the photos we had taken of Payton! You can click on the full screen to see it bigger and make sure you also hit the back button to see the cover - it starts on the first page!

This post was written purely to help me heal. This has not been an easy road of recovery for me or my family! I wanted to make sure all my friends and family knew what happened, as most did not and still don't understand what truly happened. I hope this helps in some way! And i'm sure this may bring up more questions and i'm ok with that.

1 comment:

Tasha Austin said...

Momma my heart breaks for you. And it may seem strange but I envy you, I envy your strength. You're super woman. I have no other words except, I'm sorry. I love you 😘