From the moment I got pregnant, especially if it was another girl....I wanted the same initials as Payton. So of course I threw the name Paisley back in the name bag. Richard shot that down the first go around - lets see how it goes this time! I also chose Parker. I know its a common boy name, but I absolutely love it as a girl's name! Its different. I've also looked outside of the "P" names, bc lets face it - their is not a huge selection. For a while now I have liked the name "Charleston." I must of had a dream about it - bc I woke up one more and was like.. OMG! I LOVE IT! lol. And of course we can always call her "Charley" for short. Its not only different in unique, its where we live. We were started this family. Where Payton is.
Since we are having trouble deciding on which name, I put a poll together for everyone to vote on their favorite name. The middle name will be Bjana, no matter which name we chose. Just follow the link below!
Ready to watch me act like a lunatic? I don’t think I have been this excited in long time....
Richard and I weren't really expecting to find out the gender until April 16th, but were super stoked our nurse Tammy was able to sneak us in for a quick ultra sound while waiting for Dr. Fisher. I'm nervous going to the Doctor as it, and during our ultra sound it truly was quick. She literally turned it on - and like 2 mins later it was off. Im not sure how she saw anything. We had her write it down on a piece of paper so we could find out with everyone else. Richard was not very happy about it! :P
Of course we were all SUPER excited! I promise Richard was for the most part! I think he was a little disappointed at first.. Now we just have to decide on a name...
I'm sitting here writing this and im currently at the end of my first trimester suddenly thinking, December 20th seems forever ago. That was the day I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.
Ever since I was in high school I wanted kids. At least 2. 1 boy and 1 girl... but isn't that every little girls dream? I had my plan perfectly laid out - 2 kids before I was 25. Perfect right? Not so much.... But now that I look back on it, I'm glad I was 30 before I got pregnant. I got to travel and enjoy my 20s. When I got pregnant with Payton, I was ECSTATIC. Scared, but super excited! But after everything that happened, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through the process again. Of course I told the world I did, who wouldn't want another kid? As time passed, I decided I really wanted another kid. But I wanted to make sure I was physically ready for another pregnancy. My 6 week visit was the end of October and Dr. Fisher said I was good to go! Of course like any other husband and wife who wants kids, we jumped on that practice train. My first ovulation cycle came around and then the news of not pregnant. I was super sad. No worries - we can try for next month. Well that cycle came and gone and still the pregnancy test were showing no. By this time I felt like we had been trying for years and I was never gonna get pregnant. Reality was it had only been 2 months and I was just getting ahead of myself...
13 weeks later and I've jumped on this pregnancy train again. Ready for another 9 month adventure, but completely nervous, scared, and worried. But super Happy! Its been an interesting 3 months. I've already seen a difference from my first pregnancy. This one I'm exhausted more and hungry all the time. I can eat a huge meal and still be starving. There are days the more I eat the hungrier I get. I never had cravings with Payton, nor did I ever know what I wanted to eat (well that part hasn't changed). I feel like I need to actually see the dish before I want to eat it.
From the start, people were asking: are you sure your not having twins? As much as I would love twins, I doubt there is 2 in their...
Getting uncomfortable sleeping already, tossing and turning. I feel bad that I'm only 10 weeks and I've already kicked Richard to the couch.
We were hoping at my 12 week appointment we would be able to find out the sex of the baby like we did with Payton. The ultrasound tech said since I wasn't quite 12 weeks she was not comfortable saying one way or the other, but she did lean more towards one way (but that is our little secret).
Well we confirmed only 1 baby! Very active, but only for a short time. It would get a burst of energy for about 5 mins. then take a short nap... kinda of the way my days go. lol.
There a lot that goes on in your first trimester. By the end of your third month the baby is fully formed. Baby C has arms, hands, fingers, feet and toes. She (thats what I call it and Richard calls it a He...) can open it's fists and mouth. The fingernails and toenails are beginning to develope. The most crazy part is that the beginnings of teeth are starting to form... good thing they don't have teeth when they are born. lol. At this point - Baby C is the size of a peach. Its fascinating the process it takes to growing a human. Even my 2nd time around im still amazed that im actually growing a human inside me.
I haven't really craved a lot during my first trimester. I still like my sweets. Crazy thing is I haven't eaten BK in forever, Richard mentions it once and thats all the baby wants. I feel like I cant eat enough whoppers - even with mayo on it. I just want to puke saying it. lol. But hey if it makes the baby happy and she gets full - then I'm all for it.
I didn't have any morning sickness either, which was great but boy did that nausea train hit me like a rock the beginning of my 13th week. It hasn't been that strong since the first night, so hopefully that train was only making a quick stop.
I'm looking forward to my second trimester, but really hoping I get a burst of energy back.
So the topic of Stillbirth is considered taboo. Why? I can not even try to wrap my mind around the fact of why this is an unspoken issue. Especially when it happens so often. It is said that 1 in 150 births results in a stillbirth. I feel it is important to stress, that is NOT 1 in 150 people. I am talking about births. Considering most of us have more than one child, or attempt to, that increases the odds of possibly suffering a stillbirth. It increases the odds of suffering from this horrible, horrible traumatic event. You would think this was a topic more people talked about.
To be honest, I knew stillbirths happened. However, I never thought it would happen to me. No one ever thinks that something is going to happen to them. Who truly thinks about the worse, or even prepares for the worse?
I suppose I just needed to rant about this, because it all makes me so angry. It really angers me when I hear someone elses story and I know my own; and in the end, know that our children shouldn’t have passed. It really angers me when people look at me weird when I say her name, when I talk about her... her as in Payton. My daughter. She was born still, but still born. She spent 9 months growing in my stomach, 9 months listening to me talk to her and play with her. I carried her full term. She had a life - she had a purpose - she had a name, we had dreams for her, for us as a family. Why must people be so hateful? Why is this so taboo?
It is very upsetting to lose a pregnancy. No matter how far along you are, the grief is there. For some people, it is deep and overwhelming for a long period of time. For others, they rationalize that this is the way it was meant to be and are able to move on quickly with their lives. Does this mean that they are not grieving appropriately? Certainly not -- we all grieve differently. Grieving is very dependent on the individual. It is not fair to say that one pregnancy meant more to one person than another pregnancy did to someone else. Someone may have been waiting years for this pregnancy. In their minds, they have seen this baby, held it, loved it, told it stories, had birthday parties, proms, graduations and memories that will now never happen. In effect, they have bonded with this life in such a way that will now never be fulfilled. This pregnancy and the grieving person bonded long before this final event took place. It does not matter whether this pregnancy was 8 weeks, 28 weeks or 40 weeks. This person -- be it the mother, the father, the siblings, grandparents or whomever -- has the right to grieve this loss in any way they feel appropriate. I hate when I hear people tell someone (or even expect that person) "you should be over this by now." I know most people with in your immediate world probably wont go through this type of grief or even understand it. But no one, not even the person going through it knows how long and what a person needs to do to get "past this"... THIS is not something you can "get past." It never goes away. This loss will always be there, if there are four more children or no more children, nothing will replace this "one." And just because you have more children, does not make the grieving process any less.
This has truly been one of the BIGGEST things I have every learned to process. And I can't say I have figured out how to process it. I have done hours and hours of research, not only on stillbirths - but also on the process of grieving or how others have dealt with this grieving process. I have found 100s of moms who have wrote about it, just like i am doing now. Seeing how I've been blogging for years about my life - this was an easy do for me. Granite - this particular post has been sitting in my draft folder for months. I've added things, taken things out, started from scratch several times.. its not an easy blog to write. I'm 2 weeks shy of Paytons 6 month birthday - and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I feel like im struggling more then I should, or maybe I just cant grab onto my life, my world.. what it once used to be. The more time that goes by the more I feel like I cant grab onto my life. Both my sister and my best friend have helped me process a lot of things. I've gone to both of them about therapy - trying to decide if thats something I need to do. But I feel like the loss of Payton just brought more issues I have up front. I'm not sure I'm grieving about just Payton anymore. I've reached out to several therapist, but im not sure thats the right step for me. I don't talk to people face to face very easily. I've always been a person who needs to write everything out so someone doesn't interrupt me. Hence my blog, I can get everything out. I don't expect people to read my blog nor do I get many readers... The only post I have that really get any stats are the ones I link to facebook. These blogs are never to expect sympathy from someone or anyone, Its just my way of processing thoughts......
This is by far the hardest blog post I have ever written! I come back to this spot every day trying to figure out the words to say... and I come up empty! Empty because that's how I feel. I may not look like it on the outside, but Its a struggle I battle by myself! I say "myself" because I don't let others see it. I deal with my hurt and pain much better alone! I never been one to understand/handle my own emotions let alone others.
I cant promise this blog post will be written pretty or even make sense! All I ask is that you read it with in open mind and understand Payton was born still, still born!
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Thursday September 11th, Richard and I got up like any other morning we had a doctors appointment! We were actually pretty excited! A little scared because we were hoping to get induced the next day - which means our lives were about to be turned upside down.
We had been ready for awhile! I was exactly 38 weeks! Technically considered full term! The nursery was finished! Diaper bags were stocked up with diapers and extra onesies. We even had the hospital bags ready - because we knew anytime in the next 2 weeks we were gonna have a baby!
We usually made our doctors appointments first thing in the morning, so we could get in and out with out waiting forever! Of course we got to the doctors and within 10 mins we were already in the room about to listen to Payton's heart beat. A nurse came it, she was new and young. Really young. She had a hard time getting the heart monitor to read, which wasn't un normal. Sometimes Payton would be in weird positions that it took a few mins for it to pick up on the monitor! But not this long! She stepped out and grabbed Tammy (Dr. Fisher's nurse), she too was unable to pick up the heart beat! At that time I start freaking out on the inside. I seriously had just read a story about this 2 weeks ago - I thought to myself there's no way this is happening to me too! Dr. Fisher came in and brought the ultra sound machine with her - she started moving the little thing around and Payton popped on the screen but no heart beat.... no movement! It was happening to me....
Dr. Fisher stopped, moved the machine over and looked Richard and I in the face and was like their is no heart beat and no movement! At that moment, everything else went blank. I see her mouth moving but I heard no words! I was in shock - I didn't know what to say, how to move, I couldn't even cry. I didn't know what this even meant. I just felt her the day before! She was moving and playing with me!
A few minuets went by and Dr. Fisher said we still have to deliver her. I already knew this but my heart sank to the ground. She said we can do this now or we can do this in a couple days. She said its very common for families to wait a few days - wait?! Why would I ever wait?? Richard and I both said no, lets do this today! Richard had already started crying and stopped by now as we walked out of the room. My face is in shock and my eyes are starting to tear up! I didn't want to see any of the other moms sitting in the waiting room - I've never walked out that office so fast! We hadn't even made it to the car yet - before Tammy comes running out balling her eyes out giving me a hug! Of course seeing other peoples emotions, mine start! We get in the car and I call both of our moms (mine has been in town since Monday)! My sister was teaching school - but I needed her. I texted her and told her to call me bc theirs no way I could tell her this over the phone. She never had a chance to call but she texted 5 mins later and I told her we lost Payton and I NEEDED HER here!!
The hospital was only 2 minuets from the doctors office - when we got their, I was no where near ready to go inside. I sat in the car in silence. I got myself together and intact as Richard helped me out of the car and we walked to the maternity ward - Everyone already knew what was going on! They already had my room ready and scooped us in their. By the time I got into my gown and on the monitors, my mom and Terri was their. With in a 3 hours my sister and our photographer Katie was their!
Yes I said photographer. We had already planned to have pictures taken of the birth, and Katie still wanted to do the birth. I wanted these pictures - I NEEDED these pictures!
By lunch time we had our parents and closest friends with us! Having Dixie by my side helped me a lot! She knew what to say... she knew what was going on - She had already gone through this. I never truly understood the things she used to tell me, sitting in that hospital bed, I knew every word - I understood every word, every feeling and it hurt me more that she went through this very same thing!
(To warn anyone who reads any further, this may go into more detail then you care to read about .... )
By lunch time they had started to induce me. I was in no shape to give birth anytime soon. I was not even close to being dilated or effaced. I knew this would be a long process. Since I was not dilated by any means they started something called Cervadil. Its used to soften the cervix. They had to do 4 doses of this through out Thursday. It wasn't till 4am on Friday morning when I was finally dilated enough they could start the Pitocin, which actually starts labor. I wasn't making any progress fast. About 2pm or so on Friday I still hadn't progressed enough - they told me they were gonna try something, and if it didn't work they would do a c section! Believe me, a c section is not something I wanted. Unless it was something I absolutely had to have. I'm not even sure what the correct term is for this process but they used this balloon thing. If it did not fall out on it own with in a few hours - off to a c section I was going. Thankfully by 4pm it fell out on its own and they could break my water! Which in no means was what I expected! You could actually feel your water break. It was weird. But I did not have a gush of water come out like you expect.
16hours later and still no baby, the nurses all said its will probably be after midnight before I had her, since I was progressing so slow. By now I'm already starving bc the last thing I ate was some popcorn Wednesday night! We tried getting the nurse to let me eat Thursday night but she kept saying no and by the time she finally asked the Dr. who said yes it was already 10:30 and everything was closed! We did find a subway, but by the time I got any food I didn't even want to look at it. It smelt so bad! lol. I spent Friday eating jello. Never again! I was peeing the rainbow! It was horrible!
The way the maternity ward works in our hospital you can only have 3 people in your room at a time, and no kids under 12 unless they are a direct sibling to they baby being born! Richard and I had already had a plan no one would be allowed in the delivery room the first 24hours after having Payton unless they were immediate family. I knew I was gonna be tired and didn't want to be over whelmed with everyone in the hospital! Even with everything going on we didn't tell the whole world. I wasn't ready for that. They hospital made an exception for us on the amount of people allowed in the room. They actually had a spare room next to us they opened up for family and our closest friends to stay in. My mom, Walt, Terri, Jim, my sister Brandy, Katie, and our closest friends - Dixie, Daysha and Fred stayed in the hospital with us the entire time. My sister even had her newborn Jonathan, which kept everyone entertained for hours. I appreciated all of them staying more then I can ever tell them! Everyone took turns hanging out in the room with us.
I cant say I really had any major labor pains. I have this one spot on my lower back where my L5 is shattered and moved forward that constantly has pain. I did spend most of Friday evening with a lot of pain in that particular spot. Richard and Dixie took turns rubbing it. I said from day 1 when I got pregnant I was not doing an epidural and I still meant it when I was sitting in the hospital. It was about 9pm when I had a lot of lower back pain, still in that one spot! I just wanted it to go away! Of course Richard had been begging me for hours to get the epidural and I kept denying it! He couldn't handle me in so much pain. The shaking freaked him out. The reality of it is, that's normal for me! If I cant control my pain I shake. I'm in that much pain on a daily basis - I just control it. During labor I was in a position I could not get my pain under control so I just vibrated! Least that's what it felt like.
About 9:15 I got up to go pee and my sister helped me and I looked at her in extreme pain and I told her, I don't think I can do this.... I'm not sure I can do this with out an epidural. I told her I didn't want it though. She looked at me and said well lets at least get a nurse in here. She pressed the on call button for the nurse to come in, but no one was at the front desk to answer it. I looked at Brandy and was like I think its time. She's coming now! Before I could even finish the sentence Brandy is already down the hall screaming for a nurse! The nurse comes in and agrees its time. She goes and finds Dr. Fisher as the lady at the front desks beeps in and says "do you guys need something?" Brandy yells at her of course!
Brandy stayed during birth, I needed her too! I also knew she could help Richard stay calm during this. Labor was rough for me bc my arms were so tired I had no strength to pull my legs and push. Some how I spent the entire time pushing my legs down as I pushed. I remember screaming but not bc of pain, bc I was pushing on my legs. And it kinda seemed natural to scream. At 9:53 Payton Bjana was born.
Dr. Fisher had told us at the appointment as soon as she was born, we hope we could understand what happened more. Dr. Fisher had spoken with us Saturday. She stated the cord had wrapped around her neck three times. She said this is actually very common and most babies live through it. She said the cord was pulled on and constricted that cut off all air supply and food. It was a complete freak accident and nothing we could of done any different. She recommend a full autopsy to make sure nothing else played into this. We spent all day Saturday with her and most of Sunday with her before we sent her to MUSC for the autopsy.
We had pictures done of her and with her. I wanted to make sure everyone who meant so much to us and stayed in the hospital also got a picture with her. During the time she spent in our room we just stared at her as she laid so peaceful in her bassinet. I couldn't send her away in the outfit we bought for her to come home in and that we had her pictures in. So I had mom go get the same outfit to bury her in so I could keep the one she wore. I still had not truly broken down at this time, and that worried my mom. But I didn't know how too and I knew this was something I needed to do alone.
This is a book I made of the photos we had taken of Payton! You can click on the full screen to see it bigger and make sure you also hit the back button to see the cover - it starts on the first page!
This post was written purely to help me heal. This has not been an easy road of recovery for me or my family! I wanted to make sure all my friends and family knew what happened, as most did not and still don't understand what truly happened. I hope this helps in some way! And i'm sure this may bring up more questions and i'm ok with that.
