Happy 5th Birthday Payton

Happy Birthday Payton Bjana!! 

5 years ago, my world was turned upside down and at that time, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get through it. 

In the years following my daughter's funeral, I discovered, no matter how great my loss, or how deep my grief, the world does not stop. In fact, it intensifies.

I remember thinking… how can I ever be happy again? Be able to have more children and not feel guilty. I felt as though my pain was visible to others, and I would forever be wearing grief as a mask and a tagline…”I’m Bjana Carbonaro and I’ve lost my baby to stillborn.”

But for me to survive this, I had to get my feelings out. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t do well with emotions. I didn’t know how to grieve with others, especially my husband or family. My husband and I grieved separately and still to this day, that missing link plays a toll on our marriage. 

Most of you followed my pregnancy journey on my blog and I knew writing is what helped me with my emotions! Every post from my blog was first written in my notes on my phone several times over before ever posted to my blog (Including this post your reading now). 

I said to myself “write, just write.” It took me a while to actually get anything started or to figure out what my feelings and emotions were. I discovered my writing was my safe haven to empty the well of my sorrow, and for a little while, I could let my emotions rest.

I kept writing. Words pulled me and pushed me. As weeks went on, I’d read back over my notes. I began to see something remarkable... I’d survived another day, another week, another month; and I was growing stronger. I’d see words of hope illuminating my way.

Healing is not on a timetable. In fact, time doesn’t fix this kind of loss. Healing comes from actively pursuing life again. After awhile, you’ll look back on your words and not recognize the person you once were. You’ll see how strong you really are.

I used to believe the cliché “everything happens for a reason,” but with this kind of tragedy, it seems to be reversed. When a tragedy like this happens, it can be the starting place to give it reason and relevance. When you recognize this, it’s the moment your grieving will shift. As time went on, I was able to reach that peaceful feeling more frequently. I had the power within my notes to compartmentalize my sorrow. Once you’re aware of what it feels like, you’ll be able to access it more easily.

It’s been 5years since my beautiful daughter left this earth and sometimes tears still surprise me. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel the sadness. It means you’ll be able to have memories without attaching intense despair.

Payton was the one who made me a mom. Her death was the birth of my new life... learning how to live with her loss, and recognizing who I am because of it. I chose resilience and my writing was a big part of helping me rise up.

The loss of Payton taught me to love harder, to hold my girls closer, to hold my nephew and nieces closer and to appreciate every single day. It taught me to reach out to others and begin sharing my story in hopes it could reassure other wounded parents there is life after loss.

As the years go by, I’ve learned a mother’s love never diminishes; in fact, my love for my daughter has grown, just as it would have if she was still alive. I am still her mother and not a day goes by I don’t say I love you or think about her. 

I heard someone say once the best way to honor your child is by healing! It may not always be the easiest thing, but taking one day at a time is a good start! Every year for Payton’s birthday we go to dinner followed by a cupcake celebration at her grave. We go to dinner for everyone’s birthday in the family so doing this lets the girls get involved with her birthday too. They both know who Payton is and that she is in heaven watching over us. We have never hidden anything about Payton from the girls. If you know Charleston, you know she loves questions and she has asked every question in the book her toddler mind could think of. Knowing both girls love their big sister so much has helped my healing process. 

As we celebrate the life we envisioned for Payton today, I ask everyone who is still reading this to say a little pray for my family and I! Don’t be alarmed if I start crying if you say something... I can usually keep my emotions in check till someone says something. I absolutely appreciate the love and support that pours in from our friends and family on this day! We love all of you! 

Why is this so taboo?

So the topic of Stillbirth is considered taboo. Why? I can not even try to wrap my mind around the fact of why this is an unspoken issue. Especially when it happens so often. It is said that 1 in 150 births results in a stillbirth. I feel it is important to stress, that is NOT 1 in 150 people. I am talking about births. Considering most of us have more than one child, or attempt to, that increases the odds of possibly suffering a stillbirth. It increases the odds of suffering from this horrible, horrible traumatic event. You would think this was a topic more people talked about. 

To be honest, I knew stillbirths happened. However, I never thought it would happen to me. No one ever thinks that something is going to happen to them. Who truly thinks about the worse, or even prepares for the worse?

I suppose I just needed to rant about this, because it all makes me so angry. It really angers me when I hear someone elses story and I know my own; and in the end, know that our children shouldn’t have passed. It really angers me when people look at me weird when I say her name, when I talk about her... her as in Payton. My daughter. She was born still, but still born. She spent 9 months growing in my stomach, 9 months listening to me talk to her and play with her. I carried her full term. She had a life - she had a purpose - she had a name, we had dreams for her, for us as a family. Why must people be so hateful? Why is this so taboo?

It is very upsetting to lose a pregnancy. No matter how far along you are, the grief is there. For some people, it is deep and overwhelming for a long period of time. For others, they rationalize that this is the way it was meant to be and are able to move on quickly with their lives. Does this mean that they are not grieving appropriately? Certainly not -- we all grieve differently.

Grieving is very dependent on the individual. It is not fair to say that one pregnancy meant more to one person than another pregnancy did to someone else. Someone may have been waiting years for this pregnancy. In their minds, they have seen this baby, held it, loved it, told it stories, had birthday parties, proms, graduations and memories that will now never happen. In effect, they have bonded with this life in such a way that will now never be fulfilled. This pregnancy and the grieving person bonded long before this final event took place. It does not matter whether this pregnancy was 8 weeks, 28 weeks or 40 weeks. This person -- be it the mother, the father, the siblings, grandparents or whomever -- has the right to grieve this loss in any way they feel appropriate. 

I hate when I hear people tell someone (or even expect that person) "you should be over this by now." I know most people with in your immediate world probably wont go through this type of grief or even understand it. But no one, not even the person going through it knows how long and what a person needs to do to get "past this"... THIS is not something you can "get past." It never goes away. This loss will always be there, if there are four more children or no more children, nothing will replace this "one." And just because you have more children, does not make the grieving process any less. 

This has truly been one of the BIGGEST things I have every learned to process. And I can't say I have figured out how to process it. I have done hours and hours of research, not only on stillbirths - but also on the process of grieving or how others have dealt with this grieving process. I have found 100s of moms who have wrote about it, just like i am doing now. Seeing how I've been blogging for years about my life - this was an easy do for me. Granite - this particular post has been sitting in my draft folder for months. I've added things, taken things out, started from scratch several times.. its not an easy blog to write. I'm 2 weeks shy of Paytons 6 month birthday - and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I feel like im struggling more then I should, or maybe I just cant grab onto my life, my world.. what it once used to be. The more time that goes by the more I feel like I cant grab onto my life. Both my sister and my best friend have helped me process a lot of things. I've gone to both of them about therapy - trying to decide if thats something I need to do. But I feel like the loss of Payton just brought more issues I have up front. I'm not sure I'm grieving about just Payton anymore. I've reached out to several therapist, but im not sure thats the right step for me. I don't talk to people face to face very easily. I've always been a person who needs to write everything out so someone doesn't interrupt me. Hence my blog, I can get everything out. I don't expect people to read my blog nor do I get many readers... The only post I have that really get any stats are the ones I link to facebook. These blogs are never to expect sympathy from someone or anyone, Its just my way of processing thoughts......