Happy 5th Birthday Payton

Happy Birthday Payton Bjana!! 

5 years ago, my world was turned upside down and at that time, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get through it. 

In the years following my daughter's funeral, I discovered, no matter how great my loss, or how deep my grief, the world does not stop. In fact, it intensifies.

I remember thinking… how can I ever be happy again? Be able to have more children and not feel guilty. I felt as though my pain was visible to others, and I would forever be wearing grief as a mask and a tagline…”I’m Bjana Carbonaro and I’ve lost my baby to stillborn.”

But for me to survive this, I had to get my feelings out. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t do well with emotions. I didn’t know how to grieve with others, especially my husband or family. My husband and I grieved separately and still to this day, that missing link plays a toll on our marriage. 

Most of you followed my pregnancy journey on my blog and I knew writing is what helped me with my emotions! Every post from my blog was first written in my notes on my phone several times over before ever posted to my blog (Including this post your reading now). 

I said to myself “write, just write.” It took me a while to actually get anything started or to figure out what my feelings and emotions were. I discovered my writing was my safe haven to empty the well of my sorrow, and for a little while, I could let my emotions rest.

I kept writing. Words pulled me and pushed me. As weeks went on, I’d read back over my notes. I began to see something remarkable... I’d survived another day, another week, another month; and I was growing stronger. I’d see words of hope illuminating my way.

Healing is not on a timetable. In fact, time doesn’t fix this kind of loss. Healing comes from actively pursuing life again. After awhile, you’ll look back on your words and not recognize the person you once were. You’ll see how strong you really are.

I used to believe the cliché “everything happens for a reason,” but with this kind of tragedy, it seems to be reversed. When a tragedy like this happens, it can be the starting place to give it reason and relevance. When you recognize this, it’s the moment your grieving will shift. As time went on, I was able to reach that peaceful feeling more frequently. I had the power within my notes to compartmentalize my sorrow. Once you’re aware of what it feels like, you’ll be able to access it more easily.

It’s been 5years since my beautiful daughter left this earth and sometimes tears still surprise me. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel the sadness. It means you’ll be able to have memories without attaching intense despair.

Payton was the one who made me a mom. Her death was the birth of my new life... learning how to live with her loss, and recognizing who I am because of it. I chose resilience and my writing was a big part of helping me rise up.

The loss of Payton taught me to love harder, to hold my girls closer, to hold my nephew and nieces closer and to appreciate every single day. It taught me to reach out to others and begin sharing my story in hopes it could reassure other wounded parents there is life after loss.

As the years go by, I’ve learned a mother’s love never diminishes; in fact, my love for my daughter has grown, just as it would have if she was still alive. I am still her mother and not a day goes by I don’t say I love you or think about her. 

I heard someone say once the best way to honor your child is by healing! It may not always be the easiest thing, but taking one day at a time is a good start! Every year for Payton’s birthday we go to dinner followed by a cupcake celebration at her grave. We go to dinner for everyone’s birthday in the family so doing this lets the girls get involved with her birthday too. They both know who Payton is and that she is in heaven watching over us. We have never hidden anything about Payton from the girls. If you know Charleston, you know she loves questions and she has asked every question in the book her toddler mind could think of. Knowing both girls love their big sister so much has helped my healing process. 

As we celebrate the life we envisioned for Payton today, I ask everyone who is still reading this to say a little pray for my family and I! Don’t be alarmed if I start crying if you say something... I can usually keep my emotions in check till someone says something. I absolutely appreciate the love and support that pours in from our friends and family on this day! We love all of you! 

Happy Birthday Payton!

I have a heavy heart today as the nation remembers the fallen from 9/11, my family and I are also thinking about my baby girl! This time last year I was sitting in the hospital getting induced bc we found out Payton had no heart beat! I still remember Dr. Fisher sitting in silence fighting back her tears as she told us. 

As I sat in the hospital watching my family and closest friends express their emotions, all I could do was hold mine back. I didn't know how to express mine. I don't know how to handle my own emotions let alone everyone else's! 

As Payton's birthday approaches us, I'm struggling with my emotions again! Not as if they ever went away. I'm not sure why people say time heals all wounds, bc it does not. I came across this quote: "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Which fits perfectly! The pain has lessen over time, but the heartbreak and emotions are still there. When you tear off that scab, everything comes rushing back as if it happened yesterday! 

Having Charleston to hold close at this time makes you realize how precious life truly is. But I can't help but hate that Charleston will never know her big sister. We will never see her smile or hear her laugh, or watch her grow up... 

Tomorrow we celebrate Payton's first birthday and we have decided to celebrate it with our family! I want to do something every year weather we do it as just our little family or with our bigger family and friends. I just want to keep her memory alive and make sure her birthday is special. 

Second Pregnancy - Third Trimester Reflections

As we get down to the "business" end of this pregnancy,
I figured I would take a step back and reflect
on the third trimester.

(p.s. this was written over a few weeks time)

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We knew from day 1 we would be inducing this pregnancy for health reasons. Dr. Fisher wanted to schedule the induction before we got to the 37 weeks and 6 day mark, which Richard and I agreed with 100%.  So that put us in the week of August 8th-15th. July has been a waiting game to get the hospital schedule of when we could narrow a date down, and on July 14th - we got that date! August 10th at 7 am. Now that we have a count down clock to watch, things have gotten more real, including my emotions.

We.. OK.. maybe me.. wanted kids back to back. I mean im not getting any younger. So even with everything that happened with Payton, we still wanted to jump on the bandwagon again. After our 6 week appointment we started trying again. It took me about 2 cycles - which felt like a life time. But when I finally saw those two lines, I felt immense relief. But that was soon replaced with the realization that I would spend the next nine months holding my breath. One of the greatest comforts to me over the last months was learning how many other women felt the same fear that I do and yet survived subsequent pregnancies. 

As the date gets closer to August 10th, it also means Paytons first birthday is approaching. My emotions are all over the place.We are about to bring our second daughter into the world and I don't know how to be excited. Friends and family keep asking me, are you excited, are you ready... I am, don't get me wrong I'm ecstatic, but I can't help feeling devastated and sad at the same time. I still remember looking at the glowing screen trying to make sense of the sonogram... there was no movement or heartbeat. I couldn't cry... I just sat in silence. As much I try not to think back on that day, its hard not too.

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In some ways, this pregnancy has flown by. In other ways - I feel as if we have been on this pregnancy roller coaster for way too long. If I'm to be honest, this pregnancy was not as easy as the first one. Physically, it was harder, which meant mentally it felt worse. My first trimester was the long waiting in between doctors appointments, then patiently waiting to hear her heart beat.  The second trimester was getting through the dizzy/nauseated spells. But this third trimester the stress has built up and made it self known through more complications and less sleep.

At 27 weeks and 6 days we went into the doctors office because her movements had slowed down tremendously. Normally I don't feel her in the mornings till about 10-11ish because she's so active through the night, but she was not the night before. When we got in the doctors office they put me on the NST monitors.

(The Fetal Non-Stress test is a simple, non-invasive test performed in pregnancies over 28 weeks gestation. The test is names "non-stress" because no stress is placed on the fetus during the test. The non-stress test is a simple, noninvasive way of checking on your baby's health. The test records your baby's movement, heartbeat, and contractions. It notes changes in heart rhythm when your baby goes from resting to moving, or during contractions if you're in labor.)

I sat on the monitors for about 30 minuets while they checked over all the recordings. She stayed pretty active during the test and everything was reading on track. Which was a relief!

With in 4 days we were in the hospital because I was having a sharp pain on my left side. Dr. Dillon - the high risk doctor was on call so she helped us out and took good care of me. We got checked into the hospital about 6:30 pm and she put us on the NST monitors. She stated the sharp pain is very common in pregnancies and gets worse with each one. Its called a round ligament pain. Not something thats very comfortable I might add. But she knew everything that happened with Payton and wanted to keep me on the monitors for a little while. During this time she discovered I was having contractions. I was like really? I just thought it was pressure and the difference in the way I was carrying her compared to Payton. Or maybe braxton hicks. But that wasn't the case. With in an hour she decided we were gonna stay over night - because the contractions were not stopping and were pretty steady. She ran a bunch of test and even gave me some medicine to relax me to see if that would stop the contractions. About 2am she could not determine what was causing the contractions, but was able to determine I was not in preterm labor. Since there was nothing else she could do, she sent us home about 3am and told me to take things easy and look out for labor symptoms.

At 30 weeks we spent a week in Florida - we took my 1 year old and my 6 year old nephews to Disney World! Everyone had fun which was great, but the heat was ridiculous. I know Richard got his exercise for the week... he pushed me in a wheel chair through out the parks. I got up and walked around some, but it made the contractions more frequent. I made it back to Charleston - with no signs of early labor! woohoo!! lol.

Contractions never stopped. Around 33 weeks they got longer and more intense. At times, I was not sure she's was going stay put till we induced. She is def a wiggler and a shaker. I got more nauseated as well. Sometimes it was hard to determine which was making the other one worse - being nauseated or the contractions.

I don't believe I was blessed with the pregnancy glow this time around.. its more like a "I'm so tired and hungry" shimmer....

Similar to my last pregnancy - things in the "bump" department seem to have slowed down in the third trimester. Charleston is still growing beautifully, however we are predicting her to be similar size to Payton. She is a little bigger, but not by much. My weight gain was more this pregnancy, but shes had a bigger appetite then Payton did. Payton liked fruit, veggies and sugar! Charleston likes her hamburgers and sugar. I am sad she does not like seafood. Its the one thing I craved with Payton, and it still seems to be the one thing I crave with Charleston, I just cant handle the taste! 

As my third trimester is ending - contractions have gotten stronger. Some days they are close enough to track them, but not enough to rush to the hospital. My driving days ended about 34 weeks - I couldn't count on not having an intense contractions, so I decided I probably shouldn't be driving....

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At 33 weeks and 6 days we did our Maternity photos with the Fabulous Kaity! Since we did maternity photos at the beach for Payton - we want to do a park or something this time around. Since we decided on the name Charleston, we decided on downtown Charleston! :) Here are a few of my favorites......

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At my 36 week appointment I was 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced! Baby Charleston can come at anytime! Dr. Fisher said look out for my water breaking or contractions being 5 mins apart for an hour or so. The days following my appointment, my contractions def got closer and stronger really fast! During our ultra sound Miss Charleston was super active, but we got a few good pictures of her! I mean look at those CHEEKS!!! I'm pretty sure she gets those from me! They estimated her to be about 6 lbs and 1 oz. So she's def bigger then Payton! Lets hope she doesn't get much bigger then that by next week! lol. 

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So today is my last day of being pregnant! I'm not sure what my emotions are because I'm to exhausted to even think about them! Surprisingly im not really nervous or scared about tomorrow. I know my feelings about the delivery day have been a little different through out my pregnancy - but now that its here, I think im ok! I mean i'm nervous - but who wouldn't be pushing a baby out! lol. 

Richard and I have decided to keep things as simple as possible tomorrow! We have to be at the hospital at 6:45 am. We have told family not to be at the hospital no earlier then 9 am. We have also told all our family and friends that we only want intermediate family at the hospital tomorrow, but everyone else is welcome to come see us on Tuesday. We just want tomorrow to be as simple as we can make it, and no stress for anyone. We will see how that goes! I at least will have my sister their to put anyone in their place if need be! lol. She gets me like that! :) 

So ready to meet this bundle of joy we have been so patiently waiting for! 

Why is this so taboo?

So the topic of Stillbirth is considered taboo. Why? I can not even try to wrap my mind around the fact of why this is an unspoken issue. Especially when it happens so often. It is said that 1 in 150 births results in a stillbirth. I feel it is important to stress, that is NOT 1 in 150 people. I am talking about births. Considering most of us have more than one child, or attempt to, that increases the odds of possibly suffering a stillbirth. It increases the odds of suffering from this horrible, horrible traumatic event. You would think this was a topic more people talked about. 

To be honest, I knew stillbirths happened. However, I never thought it would happen to me. No one ever thinks that something is going to happen to them. Who truly thinks about the worse, or even prepares for the worse?

I suppose I just needed to rant about this, because it all makes me so angry. It really angers me when I hear someone elses story and I know my own; and in the end, know that our children shouldn’t have passed. It really angers me when people look at me weird when I say her name, when I talk about her... her as in Payton. My daughter. She was born still, but still born. She spent 9 months growing in my stomach, 9 months listening to me talk to her and play with her. I carried her full term. She had a life - she had a purpose - she had a name, we had dreams for her, for us as a family. Why must people be so hateful? Why is this so taboo?

It is very upsetting to lose a pregnancy. No matter how far along you are, the grief is there. For some people, it is deep and overwhelming for a long period of time. For others, they rationalize that this is the way it was meant to be and are able to move on quickly with their lives. Does this mean that they are not grieving appropriately? Certainly not -- we all grieve differently.

Grieving is very dependent on the individual. It is not fair to say that one pregnancy meant more to one person than another pregnancy did to someone else. Someone may have been waiting years for this pregnancy. In their minds, they have seen this baby, held it, loved it, told it stories, had birthday parties, proms, graduations and memories that will now never happen. In effect, they have bonded with this life in such a way that will now never be fulfilled. This pregnancy and the grieving person bonded long before this final event took place. It does not matter whether this pregnancy was 8 weeks, 28 weeks or 40 weeks. This person -- be it the mother, the father, the siblings, grandparents or whomever -- has the right to grieve this loss in any way they feel appropriate. 

I hate when I hear people tell someone (or even expect that person) "you should be over this by now." I know most people with in your immediate world probably wont go through this type of grief or even understand it. But no one, not even the person going through it knows how long and what a person needs to do to get "past this"... THIS is not something you can "get past." It never goes away. This loss will always be there, if there are four more children or no more children, nothing will replace this "one." And just because you have more children, does not make the grieving process any less. 

This has truly been one of the BIGGEST things I have every learned to process. And I can't say I have figured out how to process it. I have done hours and hours of research, not only on stillbirths - but also on the process of grieving or how others have dealt with this grieving process. I have found 100s of moms who have wrote about it, just like i am doing now. Seeing how I've been blogging for years about my life - this was an easy do for me. Granite - this particular post has been sitting in my draft folder for months. I've added things, taken things out, started from scratch several times.. its not an easy blog to write. I'm 2 weeks shy of Paytons 6 month birthday - and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I feel like im struggling more then I should, or maybe I just cant grab onto my life, my world.. what it once used to be. The more time that goes by the more I feel like I cant grab onto my life. Both my sister and my best friend have helped me process a lot of things. I've gone to both of them about therapy - trying to decide if thats something I need to do. But I feel like the loss of Payton just brought more issues I have up front. I'm not sure I'm grieving about just Payton anymore. I've reached out to several therapist, but im not sure thats the right step for me. I don't talk to people face to face very easily. I've always been a person who needs to write everything out so someone doesn't interrupt me. Hence my blog, I can get everything out. I don't expect people to read my blog nor do I get many readers... The only post I have that really get any stats are the ones I link to facebook. These blogs are never to expect sympathy from someone or anyone, Its just my way of processing thoughts......