oh she glows... the first trimester!

I'm sitting here writing this and im currently at the end of my first trimester suddenly thinking, December 20th seems forever ago. That was the day I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.

Ever since I was in high school I wanted kids. At least 2. 1 boy and 1 girl... but isn't that every little girls dream? I had my plan perfectly laid out - 2 kids before I was 25. Perfect right? Not so much.... But now that I look back on it, I'm glad I was 30 before I got pregnant. I got to travel and enjoy my 20s. When I got pregnant with Payton, I was ECSTATIC. Scared, but super excited! But after everything that happened, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through the process again. Of course I told the world I did, who wouldn't want another kid? As time passed, I decided I really wanted another kid. But I wanted to make sure I was physically ready for another pregnancy. My 6 week visit was the end of October and Dr. Fisher said I was good to go! Of course like any other husband and wife who wants kids, we jumped on that practice train. My first ovulation cycle came around and then the news of not pregnant. I was super sad. No worries - we can try for next month. Well that cycle came and gone and still the pregnancy test were showing no. By this time I felt like we had been trying for years and I was never gonna get pregnant. Reality was it had only been 2 months and I was just getting ahead of myself...

13 weeks later and I've jumped on this pregnancy train again. Ready for another 9 month adventure, but completely nervous, scared, and worried. But super Happy! Its been an interesting 3 months. I've already seen a difference from my first pregnancy. This one I'm exhausted more and hungry all the time. I can eat a huge meal and still be starving. There are days the more I eat the hungrier I get. I never had cravings with Payton, nor did I ever know what I wanted to eat (well that part hasn't changed). I feel like I need to actually see the dish before I want to eat it.

From the start, people were asking: are you sure your not having twins? As much as I would love twins, I doubt there is 2 in their...

Getting uncomfortable sleeping already, tossing and turning. I feel bad that I'm only 10 weeks and I've already kicked Richard to the couch.

We were hoping at my 12 week appointment we would be able to find out the sex of the baby like we did with Payton. The ultrasound tech said since I wasn't quite 12 weeks she was not comfortable saying one way or the other, but she did lean more towards one way (but that is our little secret).

Well we confirmed only 1 baby! Very active, but only for a short time. It would get a burst of energy for about 5 mins. then take a short nap... kinda of the way my days go. lol. 

There a lot that goes on in your first trimester. By the end of your third month the baby is fully formed. Baby C has arms, hands, fingers, feet and toes. She (thats what I call it and Richard calls it a He...) can open it's fists and mouth. The fingernails and toenails are beginning to develope. The most crazy part is that the beginnings of teeth are starting to form... good thing they don't have teeth when they are born. lol.  At this point - Baby C is the size of a peach. Its fascinating the process it takes to growing a human. Even my 2nd time around im still amazed that im actually growing a human inside me. 

I haven't really craved a lot during my first trimester. I still like my sweets. Crazy thing is I haven't eaten BK in forever, Richard mentions it once and thats all the baby wants. I feel like I cant eat enough whoppers - even with mayo on it. I just want to puke saying it. lol. But hey if it makes the baby happy and she gets full - then I'm all for it. 

I didn't have any morning sickness either, which was great but boy did that nausea train hit me like a rock the beginning of my 13th week. It hasn't been that strong since the first night, so hopefully that train was only making a quick stop. 

I'm looking forward to my second trimester, but really hoping I get a burst of energy back.  

Why is this so taboo?

So the topic of Stillbirth is considered taboo. Why? I can not even try to wrap my mind around the fact of why this is an unspoken issue. Especially when it happens so often. It is said that 1 in 150 births results in a stillbirth. I feel it is important to stress, that is NOT 1 in 150 people. I am talking about births. Considering most of us have more than one child, or attempt to, that increases the odds of possibly suffering a stillbirth. It increases the odds of suffering from this horrible, horrible traumatic event. You would think this was a topic more people talked about. 

To be honest, I knew stillbirths happened. However, I never thought it would happen to me. No one ever thinks that something is going to happen to them. Who truly thinks about the worse, or even prepares for the worse?

I suppose I just needed to rant about this, because it all makes me so angry. It really angers me when I hear someone elses story and I know my own; and in the end, know that our children shouldn’t have passed. It really angers me when people look at me weird when I say her name, when I talk about her... her as in Payton. My daughter. She was born still, but still born. She spent 9 months growing in my stomach, 9 months listening to me talk to her and play with her. I carried her full term. She had a life - she had a purpose - she had a name, we had dreams for her, for us as a family. Why must people be so hateful? Why is this so taboo?

It is very upsetting to lose a pregnancy. No matter how far along you are, the grief is there. For some people, it is deep and overwhelming for a long period of time. For others, they rationalize that this is the way it was meant to be and are able to move on quickly with their lives. Does this mean that they are not grieving appropriately? Certainly not -- we all grieve differently.

Grieving is very dependent on the individual. It is not fair to say that one pregnancy meant more to one person than another pregnancy did to someone else. Someone may have been waiting years for this pregnancy. In their minds, they have seen this baby, held it, loved it, told it stories, had birthday parties, proms, graduations and memories that will now never happen. In effect, they have bonded with this life in such a way that will now never be fulfilled. This pregnancy and the grieving person bonded long before this final event took place. It does not matter whether this pregnancy was 8 weeks, 28 weeks or 40 weeks. This person -- be it the mother, the father, the siblings, grandparents or whomever -- has the right to grieve this loss in any way they feel appropriate. 

I hate when I hear people tell someone (or even expect that person) "you should be over this by now." I know most people with in your immediate world probably wont go through this type of grief or even understand it. But no one, not even the person going through it knows how long and what a person needs to do to get "past this"... THIS is not something you can "get past." It never goes away. This loss will always be there, if there are four more children or no more children, nothing will replace this "one." And just because you have more children, does not make the grieving process any less. 

This has truly been one of the BIGGEST things I have every learned to process. And I can't say I have figured out how to process it. I have done hours and hours of research, not only on stillbirths - but also on the process of grieving or how others have dealt with this grieving process. I have found 100s of moms who have wrote about it, just like i am doing now. Seeing how I've been blogging for years about my life - this was an easy do for me. Granite - this particular post has been sitting in my draft folder for months. I've added things, taken things out, started from scratch several times.. its not an easy blog to write. I'm 2 weeks shy of Paytons 6 month birthday - and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I feel like im struggling more then I should, or maybe I just cant grab onto my life, my world.. what it once used to be. The more time that goes by the more I feel like I cant grab onto my life. Both my sister and my best friend have helped me process a lot of things. I've gone to both of them about therapy - trying to decide if thats something I need to do. But I feel like the loss of Payton just brought more issues I have up front. I'm not sure I'm grieving about just Payton anymore. I've reached out to several therapist, but im not sure thats the right step for me. I don't talk to people face to face very easily. I've always been a person who needs to write everything out so someone doesn't interrupt me. Hence my blog, I can get everything out. I don't expect people to read my blog nor do I get many readers... The only post I have that really get any stats are the ones I link to facebook. These blogs are never to expect sympathy from someone or anyone, Its just my way of processing thoughts......