Monday, August 31, 2009

Needing a dose of something....

Ever get the feeling that you're cruising down the road to no place in particular?
If you've been there, you know it's not a great feeling....

I have this sinking sensation that Im not getting anywhere I really want to go. Even though Im living a busy life, I feel like Im doing the same thing every day, week to week. I feel like my life has lost its spark - My Passion, my purpose, my reason for anything. I need a way to add a little more pizazz to my life, maybe even a change of pace. Im missing all that zest, I have no enthusiasm. Ive lost my motivation. I feel like Im trapped in my life and I have no way out.

Ive tried cleaning out the people in my life that were holding me back, I relocated to Sumter - but it seems like no matter what I do I feel like my life isnt going in the direction I want it to go. Something is missing. I try not to take things for granite. I live everyday one day at a time. What am I missing here?

Its been a year now that I have been looking for a job - yet Im still sitting here. Its frustrating. Ive applied everywhere, even out of state. Still nothing. I hate getting up in the morning bc I know theirs nothing there for me to do. I started running in the mornings to motivate myself to get up in the morning - and to loose the few pounds I've put back on. But that quickly came to a stop bc the stress is just building up and the quite time of running just gives me an hour to have it run through my head like a never ending shitty movie.

I used to have so many friends that once wanted me in their life, but it seems like they all got there life on track and ive been left to hang dry on my own. I have 3 girls that say they are my best friends but when it comes down to hanging out, its always has to be on there time. Everyone wants to hang out, and when I come into town - I hear from no one! The only person I ever hear from is my ex. Which is fine - I guess you can say he's still a good friend, seeing as were better friends then being in a relationship together. Its hard not to be friends with him, we have an 8 well almost 9 year past. I dont mind hanging out with him once in a while, but hello he is my ex. And he is my ex for a reason. It seems like when I do hang out with the people who I call a friend is when I make plans. I love my girls, and I love all my friends, but why am I the only one making plans to hang out with people?

Even my family has slowly wiggled there way out of my life - seeing as they have gotten there life on track. My baby sister is a full time student trying to finish her BA in Teaching, while also holding a full time job down and being a full time mommy. I guess you could say Im jealous of her. But what is new, Ive looked up to my baby sister my entire life. She has no time for me. Theres no hanging out on Saturdays anymore. No Shopping or just hanging out. My mom is finally happy with her life. She found a wonderful person to spend her life with - She got married and they do so much stuff together. They never slow down. You would think at the age of 26 I would have my life started or at least in the direction I want it to go.

I wouldnt say my relationship with Steven is a part of my frustration - His smile is actually one reason I do get up in the morning. Our relationship is a little different then what Im used to, which is kinda nice bc obviously what Im used to hasnt worked in the past.

I guess you could say the frustrating part in our relationship is that I dont feel as its a relationship at times. Sometimes I think he changed his facebook status bc ppl were constantly asking him about me/us and it was just easier to do.

He's such a hard person to get to open up and thats frustrating to me, bc im like an open book. I will tell you things even if you dont ask. Thats a trait I have, that I hate. I wish I was a closed person at times. He doesnt really talk about anything unless I ask the questions and I dont know what questions to ask to get him to open up to me, to get him to talk about anything. When I try to be serious his "pricedollaz" personality comes out. Like he's scared to open up with me, or scared to get serious.

Im also a very affectionate person and he is not. I love to give out hugs and kisses and I just want to be loved and noticed. Im a very touchy feely person so I show my feelings. I cant really tell you what I want or how I feel, but I can defiantly show you - I guess being a photographer is a plus on that. I show the world what I see, what I feel, how I think, and Im the same way in a relationship.

Im a hopeless romantic and I live my life listening to country music bc there is always a song that fits my day perfect. I wish country music didnt exist bc then every girl in this world wouldnt be wondering where the perfect guy is. That guy in music and movies dont exist. To be honest every guy is perfect for someone. Every guys or even girl has their flaws. But once you find that person you enjoy spending time with you even love the little flaws - including a "pricedollaz" personality.

Im not a good talker face to face. I like to text or put my thoughts or problems on paper, it helps better. When I talk face to face, Im an emotional person. I prefer to get my feelings out with out getting interrupted with my emotions. When talking face to face I dont always get out what I want, I get side tracked. Ive learned to control my emotions with small things. Counting down from five tapping each finger usually stops my emotions. Repeating it or how fast I tap is an indication of how strong my emotions are. Thats actually something Ive never told anyone.

I just need to find my place in the world. The place where Im needed and wanted.

1 comment:

SG said...'s hard when life slams up on your real hard and you realize that the time has come to grow up and grow out! I hate to hear you feeling so lost. You are a nice spark of sunshine and bounce that all us "serious" people could learn a little from...but you are right. Life has a way of taking us down a road and for some it comes easy and for others the turns are so sharp you never know which way you are going. You remind me so much of myself 20 years ago. My baby sister also had the "perfect" job, education, man, etc...and I wanted it all RIGHT THEN. The biggest mistake I ever made was thinking that I could get the people that I wanted in my life to change and be the people I needed in my life. Thus, the divorce (s) the baby before I was ready and the unfinished college. I know you don't want advice, especially from I won't give it. If you need to talk; you know how to find me...if you want me to listen..believe it or not I can do that too. I will say this...don't "settle" for anything less than what you deserve...and believe me when I say you do deserve great things! Take care of B the independent woman that I know you are. Let know one hold you back, or down. susan