Sunday, March 29, 2009

I control my life but I cant control the speed bumps I pass along the way!

Its been a really long time since I've written my thoughts down! Ive got so much stuff jumping around my head I dont even know where to start. I should probably do this more often seeing how putting my thoughts on paper helps me see what I might be over seeing.

Its only march and so much has happened. Its been 20 minutes since I started this note and I still haven't decided what to write. Im sitting here staring at this screen wondering if I think about it hard enough all this mess in my head would just type itself.

It seems like the more days that pass in my life, the level of my stress gets stronger. It makes it worse because I seem to carry all my stress in my shoulders. There are days that go by where I think Im a stress magnet. It always seems to find me! Ive spent a lot of time thinking about the past and the present and even the future. I know what I want in life, and where I want to be in 5 years or even 10 years. If it wasn't for the past I would never be where I am today or even the person I am today. I dont regret anything I have ever done in the past, maybe I would of changed things a little differently. But I will never regret anything that once made me smile. The past is the past and it will stay that way. The future is still a few days away, but when it comes to the present, Idk what to tell you or should I say tell myself. I know what I want my days to consist of, but I can never reach that satisfaction. Ive been in this rut where I cant focus on anything. My concentration wonders to other things that dont allow me to relax. So Ive been hiding myself in books lately to keep my mind from wondering.

To go back to where I want the present to consist of, I guess I can start by saying that I want my life to start. I want a new adventure, new scenery, new opportunities. I want to find someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who wants to spend their life with me, to start a family with me, to explore the worlds adventures with me. Someone who thinks im worth their time, someone who wants to tell the world I exist. Yes im selfish, and impatient, and I have a small attention span. But Im not perfect, I make mistakes.

I wake up every morning wondering what the day will consist of. I try not to think of the negatives. I tell myself every morning to hold my head up high. To make the best out of each day. If life hands me a lemon, then I will do my best to make some lemonade out of it. If its a really good day, then I'll turn it into raspberry lemonade to give it a little character. I know that I am the only person who controls my life.

Well this is all I got for tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will write some more!

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